apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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