I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
