Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
