I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
