Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
