i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
