i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
