I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
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Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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