I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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