That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
