time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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