When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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