I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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