I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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