A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Even my vagina gasped.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
