u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
