He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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