so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
