You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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