Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
