I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
