I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
