and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
