If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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