when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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