i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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