There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
