Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
