For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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