my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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