I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
