do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
