I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
