Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
