Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
