Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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