never play flip cup with pint glasses
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
