I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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