i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
