i don't like sucking hair
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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