Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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