the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
