the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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