it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
