i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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