Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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