i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
