I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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