turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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