had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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