DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
